"Due to the fact that there are absolutely no really ace pop affairs on display this fortnight, Single Of The Fortnight has been cancelled. Here is a picture of The Reynolds Girls instead."
— Sylvia Patterson, friend to the stars (in spite of her criticism)
So it has come to this in a down year for pop songs: a venerable Smash Hits critic has given up. There have been poor crops before and god knows there are going to be plenty more to come but this is the first time since all the way back in 1981 that a Single of the Fortnight has not been chosen. Not only that but Sylvia Patterson has actually gone out of her way to cancel the whole thing. I would have inferred a SOTF but for the fact that she makes it all too clear that she'd rather go without than have something substandard take the honour. I can't say I blame her since this is a wretched crop of new releases, quite possibly the worst to date. At best, I am indifferent to a couple of these but the rest all suck.
The reviewer photo for the singles shows Patterson with her head down next to a beaming, shiny-cheeked Christian James, leader of one-hit wonders Halo James. Given all of her encounters with the likes of Mick Hucknall, New Order, The Housemartins, Oasis and many others, she was indeed a "friend to the stars". The bulk of her very fine autobiography I'm Not with the Band deals with how chummy she could be with pop types. I read it a few years ago — not long after starting up this blog, in fact — and was initially turned off by all the name dropping until I realised that she was an excellent critic in spite of that. Though this would erode in the music press over the course of the decade, it was possible back in 1990 to rip a group or singer's single or LP to shreds one moment and then be enjoying a pint with them the next. And no one better balanced the two than the great Sylvia Patterson.
Here are my own thoughts on the eleven records that she couldn't find anything nice to say about.
Alannah Myles: "Love Is"
My junior high used to play cassettes between periods in place of a a traditional school bell. We were free to bring in our own tapes — something I did on a regular basis — but when no one bothered to do so they had to fall back on a pair they had in the principal's office. This horrible rocker was on one of them. It was as if school administration wanted to prove that having double math on a Wednesday could be made that much worse.
London Boys: "Chapel of Love"
I had never heard this song prior to this week yet I knew exactly how it would sound. Our Sylv reckons it's more of the same from the days of "Requiem" but it's more of the same but a lot worse. London Boys did banger after banger with their first two hits but that's sadly as far as it went. I wouldn't demand to have it turned off if it somehow came on the radio but I won't be in any hurry to willingly listen to it anytime soon either.
Del Amitri: "Move Away Jimmy Blue"
Another one I was unfamiliar with. Scots groups have a tendency to try to sound American (no doubt over fears that they might otherwise end up sounding English) and none more so than Del Amitri. Like a lot of their stuff, I don't hate it as much as I feel I ought to. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, I know. A band in dire need of some irony though it isn't the worst Scottish record up for consideration this fortnight.
Craig McLachlan & Check 1-2: "Mona"
Wait, isn't this "Love Is" by Alannah Myles? Henry from Neighbours and basically the same character from Home & Away was looking to a carve out a music career not unlike Kylie and Jason, only Craig was going to prove that he was into real ale rawk. Far less convincing than SAW dreck on its worst day and a sad way for youngsters to be introduced to the great Bo Diddley. Somehow the only big hit of this sad bunch.
Kim Wilde: "Time"
Patterson doesn't dislike this one but she doesn't have a great deal positive to say about it either. Hard to believe this kind of thing was still being made in the nineties but it came up well short of the Top 40 so no one was convinced even then. "Time" to rediscover your dark side, Kim. Or get into gardening. Either way.
Wee Papa Girl Rappers: "Get in the Groove"
Had Sylvia held her nose, this would have been the SOTF but it's pretty lousy so I won't be taking her to task for the snub. The Wees had never pushed the envelope but this was still a considerable decline from "Wee Rule" and "Heat It Up" two years earlier. If Kim Wilde proved that doing the same old thing wasn't going to guarantee a hit then the Lawrence sisters were showing that trying to stay current wasn't always the best option either.
Glen Goldsmith: "On the One"
I'm sorry, this isn't the guy who was in Heaven 17? Oh, is that Glen Gregory? Can't say much about this one since it isn't up on YouTube at the moment. But at least that means I don't hate it.
World Party: "Message in the Box"
The anti-Del Amitri: a band I dislike more than I probably ought to. There's nothing remotely wrong with this only it's been done a million times before by better groups. It's strange that power pop can be so energetic but also so utterly boring at the same time. And, yes, its cause isn't aided by older types who claim this is "real music".
The Brat Pack: "I'm Never Gonna Give You Up"
Utter rubbish that went nowhere. In a sea of crap records, it's like a giant build up of toilet flushings poured into the ocean en masse. Except that at least bottom feeders like catfish and prawns could gorge themselves on that detritus whereas this record...
The Scottish World Cup Squad & Friends: "Say It with Pride"
First up in a special 'World Cup Fever Section' sidebar. With a pair of Top 5 hits and another one making number 20, Scotland's World Cup records have generally performed better than Scotland's World Cup teams. Not so much this time however: the Tartan Army's favourite side put up a solid effort against Brazil and Costa Rica only to come up short while this lame chant flopped and deserved to do worse. A great example of just how refreshing New Order's "World in Motion" was since this is what they were like prior to it. Plenty still sound just like this crap.
The Pogues & The Dubliners: "Jack's Heroes"
~~~~~
Not Reviewed This Fortnight
MC Hammer: "U Can't Touch This"
Not reviewed by Patterson but included in the 'Also Released This Fortnight' section (described by Sylv as a "load of old tosh"), "U Can't Touch This" was one of the most memorable singles of 1990 even if its chart performance ended up being lower than what you might have expected. (Listen to this episode of the great Chris Molanphy's Hit Parade podcast to learn about why its American fortunes were torpedoed in spite of the fact that it would have likely topped the Hot 100 for several weeks) Better than any of the dismal efforts above, it no longer has that faint air of nauseating positivity to it that used to turn me off. It sure was overplayed back in Hammer's heyday but it's not so bad now that I give it a listen about once a decade.
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