— Sylvia Patterson
If You Don't Mind?
If? is the name of the latest pop sensations who are set to take over the charts with their danceable pop explosion "Saturday's Angels". But who are If? and why do is their name also a question?
The band known as If? are made up of four blokes from London. Two of them were once in a group called JoBoxers who had a hit about 76 thousand years ago called "Boxerbeat". It was bloomin' marvellous and Smash Hits even put them on the cover! But then their next single flopped and so did the one after that. But now they're back with another "kick" at the "can". One member of the Hits staff reckons its ace while the rest think it's quite good.
No one was able to find out much about this If? lot so we present some notable If's from the world of pop and beyond...
If....
An ancient film starring a younger, far less crusty Malcolm McDowell. Older lads in a public school are menacing the younger boys and everything erupts into violence because there wasn't any custard for their cornflake pie one day or something. Even the adults are naughty, as seen when everyone else is at chapel and the housemaster's wife wanders about the boys' dormitory starkers. Rather than leaving paper bags with poo on their doorsteps as any right-thinking schoolboy would do, the lads resort to shooting everyone with guns
"If"
A horrible old song by a horrible old band from the sixties called Bread. It was then covered by a horrible old bloke called Telly Savalas who had no hair and couldn't sing. Everyone claimed to like it and bought up enough copies to fill several thousand seaside chalets in Eastbourne which were then chucked off Beachy Head when everyone came to their senses.
"If You Don't Know Me by Now"
Another hoary old chestnut originally done by an American group called Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes only to become the umpteenth cover in the Simply Red catalog. It's about how a lass ought to get to know her beau pronto or else she'll never, never, never know him which overlooks love being a journey and how you're supposed to never stop learning about that special someone.
"If I Fell"
A weepie by The Beatles from their first film A Hard Day's Night. They were all about being jolly back in those days but this one of their first heartfelt songs. John Lennon opening his heart and soul to the world was undermined quite a lot by him pulling cripple faces while singing it in the movie, the clot!
Iffy Onuora
Striker for third division side Huddersfield Town. Iffy also happens to be the state of the club he plays for.
Iftody Uppingham-Jones, esq.
A foppish, dim character in a P.G. Wodehouse story no one ever got round to reading. Probably.
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Also Reviewed This Fortnight
SL2: "On a Ragga Tip"
Hold on, this has nothing to do with the word if! Or does it? What about if everyone in the land buys a copy of this then it will go straight to number one and stay there well into the summer. Or if SL2 can have a second hit to follow "DJs Take Control" then they might not go down the dumper. Or if you play "On a Ragga Tip" enough times then you might actually work out what the bleedin' heck they're going on about. Or if an impressionable spotty youth happens to give it a listen then maybe it will convince them to get out of the bedroom they share with their older brother and create something of their own. And if you can't be bothered with it then you'll find another record to go all gooey over instead. So many possibilities. If only we had more time.
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