— Martin Kemp
"He's like a black Cliff Richard. I find him nauseating."
— Gary Kemp
As pop stars reviewing the singles go, you'd have to look long and hard to find anyone to match Gary Kemp. He first did the deed back in May, 1983 and if you didn't know any better you could easily assume that he he was a regular member of the Hits staff. His moonlighting gig as critic produced some astute observations, personal reflections that don't detract from the groups he's evaluating and he even has some pretty great quotes (I still love his claim that The Style Council's "Money-Go-Round" is like a "cockney Gil Scott-Heron"). In places, he writes like the pop icon that he was, in others like a star-struck fan.
This fortnight, however, he's not quite on earlier form. But he impressed me so much the first time round that I'm prepared to make excuses. Let's examine them.
Martin Kemp
Gary's younger brother was either too busy shopping for tunics in fashionable boutiques on South Molton Street or wasn't invited the last time the singles needed evaluating. He chose to turn up this time and their brotherly interactions give it a different tone. Gary is less of a muso around his kid brother and bandmate though he does do more of the talking. And maybe that's the trouble here: talking. His last review was considered and it seems likely that he wrote it. This one is much more in the vein of a 'sit back and chat while the records are on and we'll record your observations'. Observations that happen to be largely negative and, more to the point, aren't particularly interesting to the reader.
Having Martin around also lowers the standards. Even Samantha Fox had the decency to nominate a Prince record when she did the singles but Lionel Richie? Wasn't there anything a little more inspiring? Apparently not. Like the Kemps themselves, Richie was just about at the end of his chart salad days and this limp ballad milks it for all it's worth. Gary's not at his best as a music critic here but his claim that the former Commodore is a "black Cliff Richard" is one I won't argue with. "Love Will Conquer All" is the weakest SOTF since "25 Years" by The Catch (and possibly even further back to Bob Dylan's awful "Lenny Bruce").
The Decline of Eighties Pop
It's been more than three years since Gary last guested as a Smash Hits singles reviewer and a lot has changed. New Pop had been long gone and the music scene was now dealing with the aftermath of Live Aid and the rise of the compact disc. Acts — gasp! — in their thirties did well with affluent yuppies buying their stuff. This fortnight there's a rubbish offering from Elton John, a poor remix of The Police's "Don't Stand So Close to Me", a pretty good "Going Home (Theme from Local Hero)" by Mark Knopfler — if I'm being honest, the deserving Single of the Fortnight — and Aretha Franklin's cover of The Rolling Stones' "Jumpin' Jack Flash" which is nowhere near as good as the Kemps seem to think. Even the likes of Marc Almond and The Pretenders feel like throwbacks. Oh and there's also Cliff doing a duet from The Phantom of the Opera with Sarah Brighman. And even-then milquetoast Bon Jovi seems like something new and exciting by comparison.
Gary had Shalamar (his previous SOTF), The Style Council, Grandmaster Flash, Michael Jackson and Altered Images at his disposal the last time but now much of what's up for consideration is by older acts enjoying a commercial rebirth but mainly on the creative decline. And what of up and comers like Sinitta? Now you're just being silly.
With just three records to choose from, indie hardly dominates the selection. One of them is even chosen by our Gary as SOTF but, significantly, he's focused on its admittedly obvious debt to Talking Heads. Meanwhile, he's less enthused by more contemporary-sounding alternative groups The Soup Dragon (though I can hardly blame him; see below) and The Woodentops. The Woodies would never become a big chart threat but a lot of people got excited about their current album Giant, which garnered rave reviews. Gary and Martin are both unmoved and I suspect it's at least in part due to talking their eyes off what was going on in the clubs and on The John Peel Show. With all due respect to It's Immaterial, trying to copy David Byrne was nothing new and the ground being set by The Smiths was proving to be much more fertile. Gary probably bought those seminal Heads albums like Fear of Music and Remain in Light and, thus, appreciates the rhythm of "Space" but it's a dead end. "Driving Away from Home" managed to transcend their influences but this follow up to its follow up ("Ed's Diner (Friday Night, Saturday Morning)" had flopped in between) is too on the nose with the source material, the polyrhythms not unlike "I Zimbra" and singer John Campbell's intonations coming straight out of "Electricity (Drugs)". "(Love Affair with) Everyday Living", The Woodentops' latest, isn't any more original but at least it had come out of mid-eighties indie, a scene of some relevance at the time, even if tit meant nothing to Gary and Martin.
The Spands Sliding Towards Ver Dumper
1983 was a big year for Spandau Ballet. "True" became a worldwide smash and "Gold" — how does that one go again? — did almost as well. They'd already enjoyed eight hits prior to that and would go on to have a few more as the decade progressed. 1986 was the last of their good years chart-wise with the reflective power ballad "Through the Barricades" giving them their last Top 10 hit but it sure feels like they were clinging on to relevance. This may go some way to explaining the less-than jovial tone here. Sure, they complain about the bulk of the records because they're crap but it's possible that were no longer enjoying the pop life to its fullest the way they would have been when they were riding the Giddy Carousel of Pop. Being a pop star had become a chore and being guest reviewers for Smash Hits no longer had the cachet of old. (I guess this resentment of the spotlight comes and goes considering Martin would later appear on Celebrity Big Brother)
Our Gary Wasn't Much Cop to Begin With
Nah, he still kills it with his earlier review. I might bash him and his brother not unlike the way they lay into most of the singles here but Gary's a lyricist, an excellent bass player and her could hold his own as a pop critic. At least some of the time.
~~~~~
Also Reviewed This Fortnight
The Soup Dragons: "Whole Wide World"
Four years is a long time in pop music as evidenced by the skinhead oiks thrashing out this mercifully short single who would scarcely resemble the baggy, floppy-fringed purveyors of joyous indie-dance. There are doubtless sad types in some lowland Scottish town still resentful of them "selling out" but there can't be a better case for why one should just go pop. Much as I want to rip the Kemps for not being aware of what was going on at the time, I can't fault them for finding this a "load of crap". Because that's exactly what it is. You wouldn't think they'd be an act to look out for but, as I say, four years is a long time in pop.
