— Sylvia Patterson
My mum, lonely and bored stiff stuck at home while the rest of us were at school, once wrote to Richard and Judy. They — or someone on their behalf at any rate — wrote back. She also may have been acknowledged on their popular This Morning program when they spoke to someone in charge of tours of the Coronation St set who mentioned that they had recently had visitors from Canada (and guess who just so happened to have taken a walk through Weatherfield at that same time?).
I relate the above because (a) Sylvia Patterson seemed to have had Richard and Judy on the brain in this her twelfth bash at the Smash Hits singles and (b) I don't have any other idea how to commence this review of a single which inspires nothing more than profound indifference in me. Bloody hell, now I'm just going to have to pad out this piece a little more. Let me see if I can think of some more Richard and Judy anecdotes...
The Incredible T*H* Scratchers starring Freddy Love: "Hip-Hop-Bommi-Bop"
Kurtis Blow: "I'm Chillin'"
Run-DMC: "Mary, Mary"
De La Soul: "Say No Go"
Redhead Kingpin & The FBI: "Do the Right Thing"
Redhead Kingpin & The FBI: "Superbad, Superslick"
Salt 'N' Pepa: "Expression"
The Jungle Brothers: "What U Waitin' 4"
Monie Love: "Monie in the Middle"
MC Tunes: "Primary Rhyming"
Dream Warriors: "Ludi"
PM Dawn: "Set Adrift on a Memory Bliss"
Cookie Crew: "Love Will Bring Us Back Together"
Hammer: "Addams' Groove"
Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch: "Music for the People"
Kris Kross: "Jump"
PM Dawn: "I'd Die Without You"
Arrested Development: "Mr. Wendal"
Monie Love: "Born 2 B.R.E.E.D."
Apache Indian: "Boom-Shack-a-Lack"
Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince: "Boom! Shake the Room"
Credit to the Nation: "Teenage Sensation"
This is a list of every Smash Hits Single of the Fortnight/Best New Single that qualifies as hip hop from 1979 up until the early part of 1994. There are obvious shades of grey present. For example, I don't think I can quite justify why PM Dawn is present while I chose to leave Neneh Cherry off. Plus, I disqualified Tom Tom Club's "Wordy Wrappinghood" due to, well, being a novelty song produced by members of clever clogs Talking Heads. Then there were the pop songs with guest raps mostly involving Scritti Politti alongside Roger Troutman and Shabba Ranks. Toeing the line, sure, but not full on hip hop.
As I think I have no doubt mentioned in every single blog post on the genre, I am not a fan of rap. With that (once again) out of the way, allow me to acknowledge just how impressive the above list is — even if Redhead Kingpin being on here twice is at least one too many. Varied as well. It's a bit of a crime against suspense that my favourite remains "Hip-Hop-Bommi-Bop", one of the greatest finds I have made since I began this blog (checks notes) six years ago. Nevertheless, I'd defend the inclusion of roughly 75% of them.
One of the trends this list highlights is rap which the critics approve of. This being a blog all about best new singles, this is about the most obvious statement I could make but what I'm referring to is the through line that connects De La Soul, Redhead Kingpin, The Jungle Brothers, Monie Love, Arrested Development and, yes, Credit to the Nation. Groups with a "message" of one kind or another. Groups with something positive to say. Groups who may have enjoyed the approval of rock critics but who often weren't nearly as loved by the kids out there.
As if out to show just how much ver Hits approved of Credit to the Nation, they put out a feature in the following issue profiling the 'Five Hardest Rap Acts in the World'. The first four were and/or are superstars: Ice Cube, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Ice T (though I must confess that his hip hop career has become something of an afterthought to all those years of him playing Fin Tutuola on the telly) and Cypress Hill. This quartet, Mark Sutherland points out, were all massively popular but problematic. There's sexism in their lyrics as well as homophobia, drugs and violence. He doesn't bash them entirely but the bulk of his praise is saved for fifth entry MC Fusion, leader of Credit to the Nation, a group who he reckons "looks likely to be the first real UK rap star". (Are Derek B's ears burning?)
While I'm happy that MC Fusion (real name: Matty Hanson) is a good bloke who respects women and is against fascism and homophobia, much of Sutherland's write up feels like code for 'actually he's rather boring but I'd rather not say so'. With trusty old Sylvia Patterson in the reviewer's chair, there's less of a concern that she'll go with someone due to having good values and all that nonsense but it's still shrouded in 'I'm an adult and I'll straighten them kids out when it comes to rap they ought to be listening to' vibes.
Yet, despite the indie cred and the thumbs up from reviewers, "Teenage Sensation" only managed to peak in the twenties. Not a bad showing but not great either and it ended up being their only scrap of Top 40 action. Intelligent rap always appealed to the journalists but their enthusiasm wasn't echoed by the public. Thrilling and vaguely dangerous hip hop will always win out. You could watch your average weather man or woman with a green screen of Europe or North America behind them or you could be transfixed by This Morning's Fred Talbot as he jumped all over a map of the British Isles on Liverpool's Albert Docks — but you can't have both.
~~~~~
Also Reviewed This Fortnight
Blur: "Girls and Boys"
For a group who still have yet to nab a Single of the Fortnight Best New Single of their own, Blur sure seem to be coming up a lot in this space. I was going to blog about "Doop" but I couldn't be arsed and chose this candidate for song of the year instead. It's surprising to read contemporary reviews mentioning the roots of "Girls and Boys" in eighties' synth-pop, something that had never really occurred to me despite a Pet Shop Boys' remix that appeared as a bonus cut on their seminal Parklife album. What I always heard was the next step up from Madchester: roaring and relentless indie-dance to appeal just as much to football fans chanting in a terrace as it would to moody and spotty youths in their bedrooms. While it's easy to coat down Hits critics for making the "wrong" top single pick, I can't for the life of me imagine how anyone could give this brilliant record a spin and not be convinced it wipes the floor with Credit to the Nation. I'm not saying I'm right even though I am.
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