— Deborah Steels
The local betting shop isn't just a place for taking a punt on Stoke City's chances in the First Division or on some Argentine horse or on catching a dodgy disease just from touching the counter. No, it's also where you can go to put a bob down on your favourite record as it vies for the "coveted" Christmas Number One spot.
A year ago The Human League took it in a walk but the competition looks a good deal tougher this time round. Some of pop's biggest acts are vying for this year's title. The Jam (who, let's not forget, are splitting), Culture Club, Wham!, Madness, The Human League who clearly didn't get enough the last time. Some old codgers are also present and correct. Let Bitz be your guide to the best bets as well as those with an outside shot. At least one has got to be worth a flutter!
The Jam: "Beat Surrender" (2-1)
Mods from Woking all the way to, er, at least the other side of Surrey are blubbing that their heroes The Jam are bowing out. Indeed, there may be members of The Jam who are similarly downing tears at moment. But instead of weeping, how about celebrating? The Jam of old with chorus to shout along with! A tune to spin round the Christmas tree! Words that are a mystery to all but Paul Welder (and even he may not have the foggiest what he's going on about here!). It is said that 'succumber' is when "one" succumbs to a cucumber which is something no one round the Smash Hits office has ever done, though Tom Hibbert did confess to once bowing down to a courgette. A sure fire winner!
David Bowie & Bing Crosby: "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" (5-2)
Not a double A-side but two songs sung at the same time. A swizz! Dame David and grizzled old Bing couldn't agree so they both croon on top of each other, the clots! Yet, there's a welcome round-the-fire mood and it's just the sort of thing that will appeal to both your uptight auntie and your hip older sister. A contender!
David Essex: "A Winter's Tale" (5-1)
Some Yule warmth from the Essex boy. While everyone else will be at home with their grannies who complain about mum's trifle, our David will be all by his lonesome for the big day. Nothing brings joy to faces of the young than the misery of others! A definite dark horse for the prize.
Culture Club: "Time (Clock of the Heart)" (6-1)
As your Granddad will no doubt say as Christmas evening draws to a close, "that's it for another year". What we need in this situation is Time and who better to be on the side of this precious commodity than the Boy himself. But it may take Time to get used to this one. Time is of the essence, Boy, get to it!
Madness: "Our House" (7-1)
A jolly knees up for the whole family! Just the sort of thing to have on while Mum and Dad are clearing up the wrapping paper on Christmas morning as your younger brothers and sisters are fighting over who gets to read the Beano annual first! A song for when Mum yells at you to get out of the kitchen while she's getting the yuletide goose prepared. But, sadly, one that might miss out on the top spot since ver kids won't be spending their precious record tokens until after Christmas. An early fave for the coveted New Years Number One Spot though!
The Human League: "Mirror Man" (10-1)
They took the prize a year ago with "Don't You Want Me" but lightning doesn't look to be striking Phil, Joanne, Sue and the other three this time round. A couple at odds over their future is one thing to get behind this time of year but a bloke who can't stop staring at himself in the mirror? He's probably the sort of chap who gives his "bird" oven mitts instead of a nice necklace for Christmas and he's the one miserable soul round the table who refuses to wear the tissue paper crown from his cracker. Pass!
Phil Collins: "You Can't Hurry Love" (12-1)
See below
Wham!: "Young Guns (Go for It!)" (12-1)
Those Wham! lads are so dreamy and they've finally become proper pop stars. It's hard to say if "Young Guns" has the "legs" to see them through to Christmas Day but stranger things have happened. A little more holiday cheer wouldn't be unwelcome. In any case, they're young and talented enough that they could well find themselves in contention for the crown before "long". Give 'em a year or two.
Shakin' Stevens: The Shakin Stevens E.P. (20-1)
"Blue Christmas" had been a hit for Shakey's hero Elvis and he's looking for something similar for himself. There's good value-for-money with four "cuts" but that may prove to be four too many for some. A seasonal hit of his own might do better. Try again, Shakes!
Renee & Renato: "Save Your Love" (25-1)
Like Wham! this pair have been slowly climbing the charts. The only trouble is, they aren't nearly as dishy as George and Andrew (not to mention Dee and Shirley). And their record isn't as catchy. In fact, it's downright awful. Buy it only if you're intent on giving it to your cousin as revenge for him giving you "There's No One Quite Like Grandma" two years ago.
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Also Reviewed This Fortnight
Phil Collins: "You Can't Hurry Love"
Not pinched from The Jam's "Town Called Malice" but a cover of an ancient hit by a group called The Supremes, who Paul Welder, in turn, ripped off. Your mum who is convinced she is still "up" on pop's trends will no doubt be up for some Phil but there isn't enough holiday fun for the rest of us. Just as Culture Club needs more Time, the bloke out of Genesis had better get a move on pronto!
(Click here to see my original review)
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