— Pete "Ladeez" Stanton
We're now more than halfway through the batch of '93 Singles of the Fortnight Best New Singles. Considering this was the first year in quite a while in which I all but gave up on current music, it's not been half bad so far. Saint Etienne's "You're in a Bad Way", New Order's "Regret" and R.E.M.'s "Nightswimming" have been the obvious highlights but Arrested Development's "Mr. Wendal", East 17's "Deep" and Terence Trent D'Arby's "Do You Love Me Like You Say?" are also very good. The rest aren't really to my taste but I understand them all being selected. But they can't all be winners, can they?
As they say, timing is everything in pop. It's easy to imagine the duo behind Stan figuring they had a sure-fire smash since Right Said Fred had been such a cog in British culture. "I'm Too Sexy", "Don't Talk Just Kiss" and "Deeply Dippy" had all reached the UK Top 3 in 1991 and '92 so why not do something that taps that same well — and have it be about summer to boot! A licence to print money, surely. UK record buyers, meet Stan.
There were only two problems with this. First, the novelty of RSF had already begun to wear off on a public that needed an interlude before embracing Mr. Blobby the following Christmas. That February they put out Comic Relief single "Stick It Out" which, despite being neither funny nor particularly tuneful, gave them a fourth Top 5 hit but it happened to be the last gasp of Fred-mania. (Further singles failed to make much of an impression including a sad and shameless "tribute" to Sonic the Hedgehog called "Wonderman") So, things didn't look up for a less talented, less charismatic equivalent. Which leads us to the other major issue affecting Stan: they sucked something awful.
Yet, Smash Hits scribe Pete Stanton found something to like in "Suntan" when he could have selected one of the many superior offerings among the new releases. ("La Tristesse Durera" would have been a good choice, even if there have been more than enough Manics records as it is; failing that, any of Michelle Gayle (see below), Janet Jackson, Kim Appleby and a duo known as Ali & Frazier with a brave and surprisingly good cover of the Althea & Donna classic "Uptown Top Ranking" would've sufficed) He helpfully offers a few reasons for his oddball selection.
1) "A lively pop beat that would get grandad off the sofa and on his feet"
My granddad would never have got on his feet for this. He would get up for several things (a bologna sandwich for one) and he was on his feet quite a bit. He went for walks every morning and was willing to stand put at the sink do the dishes even though he came from an era in which men weren't expected to help out with the housewife's duties. I don't know about you but if a pop record had been able to entice a grandpa up for a gig around the rumpus room then I'd be suspicious. But not only were the elderly not interested, nor was the rest of the human race.
2) "Perfect seasonal timing"
Is it though? The Mama's & The Papa's "California Dreamin'" is about living through a miserable winter and dreaming about being in the sun. We don't need to hear about sunshine and suntans and bikinis in the summer because we already have them at that time of the year. On the other hand, the weather in '93 was pretty horrible. It was one of those god awful El Nino years in which it rained a lot but that only makes "Suntan" even worse. The thought that there could be others out there enjoying their summer when the rest of us were stuck inside with bugger all to do is too much to take.
3) "An original and quirky band name"
I suppose I'll give Pete this one. There is something comically mundane about 'Stan'. You can't just take any old Christian name and use it for your group. Take Ricky, a British band from about twenty years ago. It matters not that they got their name from the Rickenbacker guitar since all the rest of us can think of is that weedy kid in school who somehow was part of the popular crowd in spite of lacking the looks, style and athletic prowess which somehow made him even worse than those who did possess sufficient looks, style and/or athletic prowess. Guys called Stan aren't especially cool but they aren't dweebs either. Housemartins' guitarist Stan Cullimore is the prototypical Stan: he sports glasses and isn't much to look at but he still made Hits writer Sylvia Patterson's heart go all gooey. Those Stans, eh? They got it going on and they don't even know it!
Yet, their name can't save this lousy stinker of a record. I've spent the past few days trying to think of a worse entry on this blog and I'm not sure there is one. Limahl's "Love in Your Eyes" may be the closest but the only thing there is that Tom Hibbert almost certainly gave it his seal of approval just to troll the Smash Hits readership. Patti Smith's version of "So You Want to Be a Rock 'n' Roll" star is a mighty misstep for the punk icon (even if she's kind of overrated to begin with) but I wouldn't be so quick to turn it off. Fidelfatti featuring Ronette's "Just Wanna Touch Me" isn't great but it suffers mainly due to it being selected by Miranda Sawyer over "Fools Gold". Oceanic's "Wicked Love" is another one I didn't care for but at least I've gone on to forget all about it. No, "Suntan" is really a step up in terms of SOTF wretchedness.
It could've been worse though. "Suntan" might have caught on and subjected more of us to its non-existent "charms". Stan could've had a Fred-like run of hits to get on the public's wick. This proved to be the upside of Top of the Pops and their new policy of giving more time to established hits: sleeper singles such as this one stood little chance since they would pop in for a lowly Top 40 cup of coffee only to disappear the following week. The punters really didn't get a look in. This proved disadvantageous to up and coming indie bands who could've used a hit but at least we were spare this shite. Small mercies.
~~~~~
Also Reviewed This Fortnight
Michelle Gayle: "Looking Up"
Formerly of the north London secondary school duo Fresh 'n' Fly with chum Ronnie Birtles, the former Fiona Wilson moved from Grange Hill to Albert Square under the assumed identity of Hattie Tavernier (yes, it sounds made up probably because it was) before embarking on a full time pop career that should have amounted more than a handful of hits for a young woman now known as Michelle Gayle. While "Sweetness" from the following year is quite a bit stronger, "Looking Up" has its charms. The opening sounds like every American R&B tune of the age but it doesn't take long to get going. Gayle's voice is tremendous though she is in need of better material. "Looking Up" is a fine debut but it does have the ring of a diminishing returns fourth single or album cut that wasn't deemed strong enough to be released as a 45. Still, it sounds great after listening to nothing but bloody "Suntan" all week.
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