— Holly Johnson
Some pop stars who sit in as a guest Smash Hits singles reviewer put a great deal of thought into the task they've been given (Martin Fry, Gary Kemp, a surprisingly insightful Zodiac Mindwarp). Others do it in as basic a "I like/don't like this" format as possible. Some used it as a pulpit to self-righteously yammer on (yes, I'm thinking of you, Gary Numan), while others just moaned the entire time (Erasure). But I will say that all managed to make a good faith attempt to listen to as many records as possible — until now. Holly Johnson wasn't about to waste a whole hour on doing the task that was asked of him.
Of the fourteen new releases in this fortnight's Hits, Johnson either outright refuses or demands immediate removal of six of them (considering they consist of a Cher/Peter Cetera duet, Bon Jovi, a still-rootsy Texas, a washed-up Pretenders and ho-hum efforts from both Kylie Minogue and Cyndi Lauper, I can't say as I blame him but it still wouldn't have killed him to have given them all a go). The ex-Frankie Goes to Hollywood frontman's lack of interest is even amusingly remarked upon in the 'Also not reviewed by Holly this fortnight!' sidebar.
But he isn't simply apatheic, he's largely unimpressed even by most of what he bothered listening to. Diana Ross? Edie Brickell? Paul Abdul? He's not having any of it. The Cure's "Lullaby" is perhaps the one true classic here and even it fails to spark much out of his nibs. While he digs the violins, he also admits that there isn't "much of a song hidden beneath" the arrangements (No doubt he hadn't seen the song's video because that would've made it a dead cert Single of the Fortnight) and doubts its chart potential. Considering that far more radio-friendly Cure singles like "In Between Days" and "Just Like Heaven" only performed modestly on the Top 40, it's probably no surprise that he didn't think this spooky nightmare about being devoured by a spider man stood much of a chance. And yet, it proved to be their biggest UK hit of all time.
In the end, we're left with a remix of Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman" to take the Single of the Fortnight almost by default. This being Holly Johnson, he still finds things to complain about with elements of the spruced up house sound jarring on him. Though he does acknowledge that it's "better than usual" compared to most remixes out there, he still dislikes the piano and the "deadful" drum infills. Even a great record can't please the most slovenly of curmudgeons.
Remixing older hits had been a popular trend among DJ's in the late-eighties and, as Holly suggests, they had this knack for sucking the life out of the original. Old Motown gems "Reach Out I'll Be There" by the Four Tops and "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5 (later credited to 'Michael Jackson with The Jackson 5') ended up getting re-released in 1988 with more modern sounds added that only detracted from what a pair of brilliant songs they always have been. Bill Withers had some of his oldies rejigged at around the same time to somewhat better results even if they still seemed faintly pointless. If it's neigh on impossible for a cover version to top its source, what hope did a remix have?
I won't say for sure if the '89 mix of "I'm Every Woman" tops Chaka Khan's original from 1979 but just the fact that I have to think about it says all you need to know. Listening to her first post-Rufus outing now, I'm struck by how disco records always seemed to be flooded in strings. Ten years on, there was less of a demand for violins on dance music and Danny D's remix smartly pushes the chamber orchestra to the background. The other instruments remain and it gives the remix a brighter sound. Khan's voice also seems more dynamic under these conditions. While you'd never confuse "Reach Out I'll Be There" or "I Want You Back" for modern pop, if you weren't aware of "I'm Every Woman"'s past life, you'd be convinced it was a current slice of late-eighties' dance pop.
Khan's original doesn't typically get cited as a feminist anthem possibly because it could just as easily be taken as a song about begging a man by being, er, every woman. Either way, the remix underscores the point of the song because she was able to be as relevant as ever in spite of changing fashions. Just as I had written a few weeks' ago about Elvis Costello, I was similarly certain that Chaka Khan was much older than she was back in 1989. Donna Summer had just returned with the triumphant collaboration with Stock Aitken Waterman "This Time I Know It's for Real" and this gave her a youthful quality in spite of her pushing forty. Khan had an oldie (which you could tell by the video) and this seemed to make her even more advanced in years, despite being four years Summer's junior. And yet, this too makes the song more empowering. She's no longer a young singer with her life ahead of her but a grizzled veteran who still boasts of being all that. She had only just turned thirty-six but she might as well have been one of the Golden Girls to me.
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Also of some cop
The Funky Worm: "You + Me = Love"
The Funky Worm were probably the flop act most familiar to me due to them being included on both The Hits Album 9 (with "The Spell", which didn't even make the Top 60) and The Hits Album 10 (with this, a modest chart improvement on its predecessor), despite "Hustle (To the Music)" being a hit and failing to make it on to The Hits Album 7 or 8 (those Hits comps used the word 'hit' quite liberally). Disco and funk revivalists long before the likes of Brand New Heavies and Jamiroquai, there's something charmingly unpolished about them. Vocalist Julie Stewart probably didn't have the vocal chops to overdo it but that's for the best. "The Spell" was the better of the two but the cheery blandness of "You + Me = Love" has aged better than I would have thought and there's more going on in the background than I ever gave it credit for. A shame they didn't last longer, they might have even made it on to The Hits Album 11.
