The Jam: "Beat Surrender"

25 November 1982

"You made a lot of people very happy, ripped a few tunes off but chose to call it a day while you were still at the top."
— Deborah Steels

The local betting shop isn't just a place for taking a punt on Stoke City's chances in the First Division or on some Argentine horse or on catching a dodgy disease just from touching the counter. No, it's also where you can go to put a bob down on your favourite record as it vies for the "coveted" Christmas Number One spot.

A year ago The Human League took it in a walk but the competition looks a good deal tougher this time round. Some of pop's biggest acts are vying for this year's title. The Jam (who, let's not forget, are splitting), Culture Club, Wham!, Madness, The Human League who clearly didn't get enough the last time. Some old codgers are also present and correct. Let Bitz be your guide to the best bets as well as those with an outside shot. At least one has got to be worth a flutter!

The Jam: "Beat Surrender" (2-1)

Mods from Woking all the way to, er, at least the other side of Surrey are blubbing that their heroes The Jam are bowing out. Indeed, there may be members of The Jam who are similarly downing tears at moment. But instead of weeping, how about celebrating? The Jam of old with chorus to shout along with! A tune to spin round the Christmas tree! Words that are a mystery to all but Paul Welder (and even he may not have the foggiest what he's going on about here!). It is said that 'succumber' is when "one" succumbs to a cucumber which is something no one round the Smash Hits office has ever done, though Tom Hibbert did confess to once bowing down to a courgette. A sure fire winner!

David Bowie & Bing Crosby: "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" (5-2)

Not a double A-side but two songs sung at the same time. A swizz! Dame David and grizzled old Bing couldn't agree so they both croon on top of each other, the clots! Yet, there's a welcome round-the-fire mood and it's just the sort of thing that will appeal to both your uptight auntie and your hip older sister. A contender!

David Essex: "A Winter's Tale" (5-1)

Some Yule warmth from the Essex boy. While everyone else will be at home with their grannies who complain about mum's trifle, our David will be all by his lonesome for the big day. Nothing brings joy to faces of the young than the misery of others! A definite dark horse for the prize.

Culture Club: "Time (Clock of the Heart)" (6-1)

As your Granddad will no doubt say as Christmas evening draws to a close, "that's it for another year". What we need in this situation is Time and who better to be on the side of this precious commodity than the Boy himself. But it may take Time to get used to this one. Time is of the essence, Boy, get to it!

Madness: "Our House" (7-1)

A jolly knees up for the whole family! Just the sort of thing to have on while Mum and Dad are clearing up the wrapping paper on Christmas morning as your younger brothers and sisters are fighting over who gets to read the Beano annual first! A song for when Mum yells at you to get out of the kitchen while she's getting the yuletide goose prepared. But, sadly, one that might miss out on the top spot since ver kids won't be spending their precious record tokens until after Christmas. An early fave for the coveted New Years Number One Spot though!

The Human League: "Mirror Man" (10-1)

They took the prize a year ago with "Don't You Want Me" but lightning doesn't look to be striking Phil, Joanne, Sue and the other three this time round. A couple at odds over their future is one thing to get behind this time of year but a bloke who can't stop staring at himself in the mirror? He's probably the sort of chap who gives his "bird" oven mitts instead of a nice necklace for Christmas and he's the one miserable soul round the table who refuses to wear the tissue paper crown from his cracker. Pass!

Phil Collins: "You Can't Hurry Love" (12-1)

See below

Wham!: "Young Guns (Go for It!)" (12-1)

Those Wham! lads are so dreamy and they've finally become proper pop stars. It's hard to say if "Young Guns" has the "legs" to see them through to Christmas Day but stranger things have happened. A little more holiday cheer wouldn't be unwelcome. In any case, they're young and talented enough that they could well find themselves in contention for the crown before "long". Give 'em a year or two.

Shakin' Stevens: The Shakin Stevens E.P. (20-1)

"Blue Christmas" had been a hit for Shakey's hero Elvis and he's looking for something similar for himself. There's good value-for-money with four "cuts" but that may prove to be four too many for some. A seasonal hit of his own might do better. Try again, Shakes!

Renee & Renato: "Save Your Love" (25-1)

Like Wham! this pair have been slowly climbing the charts. The only trouble is, they aren't nearly as dishy as George and Andrew (not to mention Dee and Shirley). And their record isn't as catchy. In fact, it's downright awful. Buy it only if you're intent on giving it to your cousin as revenge for him giving you "There's No One Quite Like Grandma" two years ago.

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Also Reviewed This Fortnight

Phil Collins: "You Can't Hurry Love"

Not pinched from The Jam's "Town Called Malice" but a cover of an ancient hit by a group called The Supremes, who Paul Welder, in turn, ripped off. Your mum who is convinced she is still "up" on pop's trends will no doubt be up for some Phil but there isn't enough holiday fun for the rest of us. Just as Culture Club needs more Time, the bloke out of Genesis had better get a move on pronto!

(Click here to see my original review)

Roxette: "Listen to Your Heart" / Billy Idol: "L.A. Woman"

25 July 1990 (with more "wry" "observations" here)

"Wouldn't buy it, though."

"I met Billy's mum and dad once actually, and it's funny but I never thought of Billy Idol having a mum and dad."

— "Uncle" Phil Collins

Remixes, dance-rock, cover versions, Euro-dance: the likes of grunge, shoegaze, jungle and whatever it was that Hootie & The Blowfish and Spin Doctors played was still ahead of us but the nineties were well underway. But try telling that to Roxette, Billy Idol and, indeed, Phil Collins. To all of them, it was as if 1983 had never ended.

Collins was a good deal older than your average pop star moonlighting as a singles reviewer in Smash Hits, especially by 1990 when the magazine was trending younger. On the other hand, guest critics by this point were on the downswing of their careers. Matt Goss did the singles in the first issue of the new year and was then followed by London Boys, two of the blokes behind Jive Bunny and the members of And Why Not. Not exactly pop's hottest acts. If anything, our Phil was still going strong even if his UK chart placements were starting to peak lower. (As he accurately guesses, not a whole lot of people bought his latest, the Britain-only "That's Just the Way It Is", no doubt because "everybody's bought" his latest blockbuster album ...But Seriously, even though I sure as hell didn't)

The eighties were already starting to fall out of fashion but Collins was having none of it. Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart" is essentially a heavy metal slow song — for the love of god, even the video plays into this with tropes such as a swaying audience and hard rock poses from the band which could've been straight out of a Whitesnake promo — while Billy Idol's cover of "L.A. Woman" is all eighties' lust and eighties' pomp blanketing a seventies' record that needed no frills. It may not have been acknowledged at the time but the trio of Collins, Idol and Roxette might as well have been the new dinosaur acts for a new decade.

Roxette have been enjoying a bit of a critical re-evaluation as of late. They did very well for a little while but they became irrelevant by about 1992 when listeners really started getting the eighties out of their systems. From then until quite recently they were regarded as naff. (Say what you will about a group like Kajagoogoo but at least they were of their time and not clinging to a bygone era) Nostalgia for eighties and nineties acts seemed to forget all about them. Then, singer Marie Fredriksson passed away near the end of 2019 and Generation Xers remembered how much they liked them way back when. It's not inconceivable that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will induct them at some point.

The story of how Roxette broke through in the America has practically become a legend. What seldom gets mentioned is how the British stubbornly tried to resist them, to the extent that it mirrors how the US attempted to ignore fellow Swedes ABBA fifteen years earlier. True, "The Look" gave them a Top 10 hit in May of 1989 but follow ups "Dressed for Success" and a first try for "Listen to Your Heart" missed the fun forty altogether. It was only after the syrupy "It Must Have Been Love" returned them to the British charts that their earlier flops got a second chance. Neither of them did anywhere close to the same roaring business they attracted in the US but they both did all right, ensuring that Roxette would be respectable chart regulars in Britain while remaining monsters elsewhere — at least for a little while. Of the two, "Listen to Your Heart" is the sturdier record. As Collins says, it's a bit Bryan Adams (the poor bits) and a bit Heart (the rest) and it had been done a million times before. Very bland, very cliched but I can listen to it from end to end; "Dressed for Success" is just pitiful.

While Roxette still had another year or two of hits to go, Billy Idol was fast becoming forgotten as early as 1990. Where he had once cultivated a diverse cross-section of listeners from pop kids to metallers and from punk holdovers to assorted of castoffs and misfits, Sir Billiam audience had by this point dwindled down to his core following. Middle age suited Collins and Sting but only seemed to make Idol seem even more ridiculous than he already was. Old school punks no longer seemed to have a place at the table (a returning Adam Ant seemed to be an even sadder proposition) when there were sufficient hardcore acts and indie bands for outsiders to embrace.

His — gasp! — fourth Single of the Fortnight (joining Elvis Costello, The Cure and Pet Shop Boys in this once-exclusive group), "L.A. Woman" is nevertheless Idol's weakest record to date. There's much to recommend in the original by The Doors: it's intense, it's them at their grubby blue-rock best, at times it's poppy and catchy, Jim Morrison gives a ballsy but not highfalutin performance and they capture a city they knew all too well. None of that can be found in Idol's rendition however. It opens sounding much more like Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" than anything The Doors would ever have touched and it's only downhill from there. Subtlety goes out the, er, door. Idol's Morrison impersonation is spot on at times (at other points he sounds either like Peter Murphy or someone doing a poor Billy Idol impersonation) but Morrison himself didn't sound like Morrison by the end of his life. 

The only thing that saves "L.A. Woman" is that I buy Idol being enraptured by a gorgeous groupie from Venice Beach in a way that locals wouldn't appreciate. Morrison sang it as if he'd been around these girls his entire life; Idol comes at it from the perspective of a British rock 'n' roller living it up in the California sun for the first time in his life. There's a tradition of New Yorkers arriving in L.A. and despising it while Brits who descend upon the west coast end up living it up on endless groupies and a sea of vodka. Idol always made you believe that he made the most of his rock lifestyle and all its assorted "accoutrements".

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Also of some cop

New Kids on the Block: "Tonight"

It seemed like the long and depressing reign of the New Kids was never going to end. Luckily, they were just about to come apart and the a-bit-better-than-I-remember "Tonight" gives clues to their undoing. As everyone knows by now, your best days are clearly behind you if you go into being self-referential ("Taught you 'bout hangin' tough / As long as you've got the right stuff...": did kids who weren't me think that quoting themselves was cool at the time?) and any thoughts that they were representing the future of music had been dashed by them suddenly trying to sound like The Beatles. And then there's the fact that they had put out a single all about how much they loved their fans at precisely the same time that they were being knocked in the press for lip-synching at their concerts. Still, at least Danny, Donnie, Joey, Jon and Jordan weren't living in the past. In fact, you could say that between being a boy band, poorly trying to ape The Beatles, miming to their own recordings and being meta with their lyrics the New Kids were paving the way for the nineties.

Cat: "Catwoman"

1 November 1989

"Every single person I know (including me) said when they first heard "Catwoman": "What a useless, tuneless and boring dance record — I'd rather have my hair cut like Richard Marx than listen to this again". And all of them have had to shame-facedly admit a few days later that they've changed their minds."

— Chris Heath

Here is the second part about what it means to be 'Princian' — for good or bad.

Wendy & Lisa represented the musically literate side of Prince's vast entourage. While no one in Prince's employ could come close to his abilities, Wendy Melvoin and Lisa Coleman were (and remain) accomplished multi-instrumentalists, talented songwriters and excellent vocalists. They even came from good musical stock, with Melvoin's father Mike having been a notable jazz pianist while her brother Chris would later go on to be the touring keyboardist for alternative rock superstars Smashing Pumpkins.

But the Prince stable was populated by more than just ace session cats. Being a showman of the highest caliber, the Purple Perv cultivated first rate dancers for his renowned concerts and he kept many of them around. While Wendy & Lisa were easy on the eyes themselves, these girls were gorgeous, sexy and knew their way around a stage. In some ways they were as necessary to Prince's shows as his crack backing band.

Cat Glover came on board at roughly the same time that Wendy & Lisa departed following the purge of Prince's band The Revolution. She appeared in some of his videos and became an increasingly prominent part of his critically lauded Lovesexy tour. Magazines like Smash Hits would refer to her by the mononym 'Cat' with only the added bit of info that she was "Prince's foxtress". It looked like she was becoming properly famous.

As if to test this out, record label WEA (the same company that Prince, perhaps just a touch dramatically, would later claim had enslaved him) had Glover signed up to their subsidiary Red Dot Records. With her old friend having just released the Batman soundtrack, it seemed like a stroke of genius to have her debut single be titled "Catwoman". It's just a pity that everyone was beginning to conclude that while the movie itself was really good, the music sucked for the most part. Prince, it would seem, couldn't simply belch out an entire album's worth of songs about Bruce Wayne and Vicky Vail's romance and electric chairs and expect everyone to fawn all over it. Whatever hit single potential Cat's response had, it would pay the price for Prince's worst album to date.

But could "Catwoman" have been a hit? Possibly. New jack swing was beginning to really take off with the massive success of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 and it could easily have taken off as a result. With hits like "Miss You Much" and "Escapade", the youngest of the Jackson clan was staking a claim to territory previously occupied by her brother Michael; the hits weren't as big in Britain however. Luckily, Cat's single was very much a product of and for the UK with Bomb the Bass' Tim Simenon producing and references to Radio 1 and Radio 2. Turns out, it didn't do so well but at least it got itself a spot of the lower reaches of the UK charts.

Chris Heath admits to "Catwoman" taking its time to grow in his esteem and its lack of immediacy also may have hampered its chances. On the other hand, it hasn't altered much for me over the last few days. It sounded like a mess — an engaging mess but a mess all the same —  but one that wasn't so off-putting that I had to turn it off. Not "useless, tuneless and boring" but neither is it "quite wonderful" either. A more than acceptable first — and, indeed, only — try from Cat.

As for the song's Princian aspects, it's all surface level. Hard-hitting R&B with a hard rock guitar solo are key elements to some of his most well-remembered songs but they were hardly required in order to make a Prince tune great. Creativity, swagger and a willingness to stick one's neck out were elements that his nibs used to craft some of the most memorable pop of the age (and I say that as a bit of a Prince agnostic) but they aren't present and correct here. Wendy & Lisa had those qualities while Cat had the stage presence and confidence. Prince had it all and that X factor. In the end, perhaps it's a willingness not to be just like The Beatles or Prince that makes a band truly Beatlesque or Princian. They didn't wish to follow anyone, so why would you want to follow them?

Finally, a look at the single's review this fortnight shows a glut of product on offer. In addition to the thirteen records evaluated by Heath, there's another two dozen listed in the 'Also Released This Fortnight' sidebar. It being the start of November, it was once again time to start looking towards the Christmas Number One sweepstakes. As ever, these "contenders" were too early to put up much of a fight as the real favourites were still to come. But these singles also suggest a staleness in pop in the waning weeks of the eighties. The sidebar does give off some hope with The Jesus & Mary Chain, The Wonder Stuff and Lightning Seeds all releasing new singles. Indie would be British pop's saviour as the nineties kicked off and one of its key records was about to emerge.

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Also Reviewed This Fortnight

Phil Collins: "Another Day in Paradise"

Phil Collins' many critics have some legit reasons for loathing his music but they might wish to try for a bit of nuance. Yes, "Another Day in Paradise" is a rich man's sob story about encountering homeless people but it isn't that bad. In fact, it all seemed very noble, if quite preachy, back when it hit the charts at the end of 1989. Where Phil got it wrong was in a lack of understanding: rich guy sees people begging out of the corner of his eye and he's moved enough to promptly write a song about it. And that's fine only there's nothing else to it. Compare it to the Pet Shop Boys' "The Theatre" from the Very album and it feels even more shallow. The following spring my English Language Arts teacher Mrs Reid had us do presentations about protest songs. Lazy bugger though I was (and still am), I was up for this assignment and I did well speaking about U2's "Silver and Gold". Most of my classmates also gave good presentations on the likes of John Lennon, Tracy Chapman and Public Enemy. The girl who chose to speak to the class about "Another Day in Paradise", however, struggled. From what I can recall, she didn't seem to have much to say beyond simply "homelessness is bad". And who can blame her? That's all Phil was able to contribute too.

Thomas Dolby: "I Scare Myself"

29 March 1984

"Written by the extremely eccentric songwriter Dan Hicks (ideal for Tom really), it's a stunning song performed with delicate restraint and sung in a way that brings tears to the eyes of grown men (and women)."

— Ian Brich

The Beatles and George Martin, Miles Davis and Teo Macero, Madonna and (insert name of currently fashionable boffin): the last century or so of recorded music has resulted in many great artist-producer team-ups. One half sets down a glorious piece of music in the studio, the other sets about making sure it all comes together in order to be cut onto a disc. Not every such pairing is long standing — see Madonna, who was ahead of the curve on the modern trend of frequently switching up production collaborators — and plenty of groups and singers eventually found themselves toiling behind the mixing desk as well as in front of a mic. But few are those who prove equally adept wearing both hats — and most of those that do tend to 

Brian Eno, Lee "Scratch" Perry and Todd Rundgren are three of the most beguiling studio wizards. All may well have prided themselves on their abilities as vocalists and musicians but all were better suited to the production side. Eno's recorded output includes the first two extraordinary Roxy Music albums (as much as I enjoy the next two, it's clear the band was never the same after his departure) in addition to several acclaimed solo albums that I'm happy to have heard just the once. Though not credited as such, his primary role on David Bowie's Berlin Trilogy was very much as a producer, there to guide the more impressionistic tracks. He was also there as the final piece in making U2 into the powerhouse that would dominate the eighties and nineties. Perry is by all accounts a terrific vocalist but his musical contributions are practically irrelevant next to his production work at his famed Black Ark studio. Rundgren did manage to deliver one masterpiece, 1972's Something/Anything?, but by the time of its overrated follow-up, A Wizard, A True Star, he was already becoming far too concerned with studio trickery than laying down some solid tunes. Producing himself he begins to seem too busy, too caught up in showing off his immense talents; producing others (the first New York Dolls album, Meat Loaf's Bat Out of Hell and XTC's Skylarking, a wonderfully catholic resume even if you're not crazy about some or all of them), he got the best out of his charges resulting in far better works than the ones he was putting out.

Thomas Dolby is an eighties equivalent, though in the context of a music scene that had him pegged for pop stardom. Like contemporaries Howard Jones and Nik Kershaw, there's a sense that he was dragged down by having to wear too many hats and that he may have been better off finding an area of expertise - though, unlike those two, he would soon find his musical calling.

There are a lot of ways of doing a cover version. The simplest way is to do a carbon copy. Another approach is to to do something similar but with more modern sound. Some will try to improve on the original, others try to bring a whole new sound or genre into it. One thing that should be avoided, however, is to cover a song that makes one only want to listen to its source. I think Dolby is trying to grasp at something that may not be readily apparent in Dan Hicks' prototype but it doesn't quite work. Where the original sounds dashed off and toyed with, Dolby's rendition is considered. Perhaps too considered. Hicks brought his usual maverick sensibilities, shoving heaps of rootsy Americana, jazz and gypsy folk all together; Dolby keeps the jazz with just traces of Hicksian cram-it-all-in spirit in Kevin Armstrong's folk-funk guitar solo. Hicks' vocal has a slight twist of irony as if he'd fully aware that what he's singing of is utter hokum but knows it will be effective at getting his lover to submit to his advances; Dolby sings every word like he means it. It's possible he was simply to close to a record he so obviously and rightly loved but in paying homage to a musical kindred spirit he ended up unwittingly doing him a disservice.

So, I'm rather blase towards this record and, to be fair, a lot of that is down to expectations. Not one who has followed Dolby's lengthy career to any extent, I had always surmised that the man was all about keytars and fairlight synths and audio pyrotechnics. I was, therefore, thrown to discover that he was willing and able to turn out some smooth (mostly acoustic) jazz. I would like to say that I was pleasantly surprised to make this discovery only it's too smooth and unwilling to take risks. Happily, Thomas Dolby's production work with one of my favourite groups would right that ship.

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Also Reviewed This Fortnight

Phil Collins: "Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)"

Between Dolby's contribution, Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time", a reissue of Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" and this we seem to be entering the era of MOR. His best work both as a solo artist and with Genesis already behind him, Phil Collins was easing himself into the power ballad market that would make him his fortune. Like a lot of his maligned material from the age, this is much better than we've been led to believe. On the other hand, it's nowhere near as good as his staunch defenders will claim. A nice throwback to an era when pop songs could be far more popular than the films from which they came — and a reminder of a time when James Woods was still relevant.